Reasons why don't matter. It's my choice and I'm making it *realizes how defiant she sounds, but doesn't care*.
Ugh, I'm constantly reminded why I kept myself down, silently keeping myself at the bottom rung of the ladder so everyone could be above me....because all those above me constantly made me think that it was wrong and selfish of me to actually think for myself and have an opinion, to show confidence and stand up for myself...only difference now is that, instead of reacting by putting myself down and thinking it selfish to do those things, I'm just getting angry and defending myself more.
And so, with a heavy heart, I abandon my once leisure and enjoyable online activities to work on making this standstill life of mine bearable until I can go somewhere new and start over. I'm leaving FOR ME, not because OF YOU (generalized statement) I highly doubt that there will be a weekly update this friday....or the friday after. Heck, you may not hear from me until after I move in September...but hey, at least by then, I can return with a lighter heart and a solidified belief that it's OKAY to think about myself once in a while.
- Current Location:home
- Current Mood: annoyed
- Current Music:I'm a Nut - Leroy Pullins (srsly, it's keeping me peppy through all the BS)
I'm half in a state of depression and the only reason I'm not immersed completely is because I was bad and bought a case of Voltage (I have no sugar/caffeine tolerance, you can image what I look like when I get a good rush going, only way I'm fun at parties). The rush of noxious chemicals in my body plus all this peppy southern music (I say southern, not country, because if it were country, I wouldn't be listening, I get enough of that with my grandparents and at work) is the only reason I'm not emoing in a corner (though the night is young, we'll see where it takes me).
Every so often I'm reminded painfully about how so many people, majority of them younger than me, have such incredible lives and talent. I enjoy basking in their talent and humor for a while, but there are moments where it just depresses me to see that I have nothing. Really nothing. I have absolutely no talent. And before anyone says 'oh, but you're good at writing!' that doesn't count. Anyone can be good at writing. That same argument can be used for my one other supposed talent: Typing. 'oh sweetie, you can type so fast with such good accuracy! You do transcription, that takes talent!'. Anyone can be good at typing if they do it enough. It takes about 10.000 hours of doing something to improve. I've been writing and typing since I was 8. Eleven years is plenty of time for practice. If you were doing it that long, you'd be just as good (probably better because I'm not even all that good).
My family tells me that 'you can't be good at anything if you don't try', well....I've tried a lot in my apparently short life. Drawing, singing, dancing, sports, debate, playing musical instruments (note the plural), gaming (yes, I call that a talent), computer things (very general, but there's a lot you can be good on with a computer, I'm not any of those), sewing, modeling (yeah....I modeled for a bit....didn't get far with it because apparently I'm not 'perfect' enough), acting (I suck balls), seriously, there's a lot of other things I have yet to try in life, this I know, but with my current track record, it isn't looking good.
Let it be known that all those things in that list, I've been doing since I was between 6-8 (when I started) and to this day still try and have not improved since when I started (and yes, majority of them, I took classes for upwards of 4-5 years. even with someone teaching me, I can't get better).
I don't even have any real friends. I can't even be social! How fail can a person get?! *hysterical giggle* ......>> that sounded rather horrifying out loud....thankfully the world has gone to sleep...<<....
Seriously, my brother is my main source of social interaction and fun. Good example here: he went to stay the night at a friend's house because his friend's birthday is tomorrow so he may be gone two nights in a row. My reaction? Instant depression, loneliness, and the intense urge to cry.
It makes me crave moving all the more. The reason I have no friends here is because everyone in this town pretty much knows me and all the shit I did when I was going through school (my anti-social behavior, a few breakdowns in public in middle school, my constant illnesses which were big controversy for some reason, my bisexualism) or...they just plain don't like me. Like, they take one look at me and look away. What? What is it? I smile. I converse. I'm way more social and amiable than I was in school. School was what made me such a bitch. I'm much more mature (HA) and way more patient and tolerant. It's like I have this vibe....either that or it's my face, which wouldn't surprise me. I ain't all that great looking, we all know this.
And then I get emails and written letters from my aunt Allison (whom I'm moving in with in case anyone was wondering, we're around the same age) saying that she wishes I'd just get there already and how all her friends have heard stories about me and want to meet me and I'm thinking "people actually WANT to meet me?" and then I get excited and wish I was there already too because then I might actually make some friends. And then I think about how pathetic I am for being so desperate for friends of any kind and then think about how similar it is to how I was in school and how that led to me being used and abused all the time because I associated with the wrong kind of people just to get attention and- *breaks off to inhale deeply*
In case you were wondering, I'm still jazzed on Voltage and peppy music so I'm just rambling as these thoughts occur to me. That's what a journal is for anyways, right?
Anyways, I think I've lost a lot of the oomph that made me start this rambling/ranting session. (yes, she's done, you can all rejoice...though of course, I have to tsk at you if you actually read through all of it and got exasperated. I exasperate myself, so you're not alone in that aspect....and I DID warn you....)
So now I'm off to do something else to cheer myself up so I'll stop with the 'poor me, poor me'.
As wise people once said: Whenever things are going bad, there's always someone out there who's got it worse off than you, so stop whining and get back to work. (someone once said something along those lines to me *yes, one of those people who is the source of her current self-esteem issues*)
But an even wiser person (my dad) said: Whenever things are going bad, yeah there's always someone out there who's got it worse, but there's at least a billion other people who have it better, so stfu!
Good LORD I can talk forever, even when I'm not speaking! *flailspasmfall* okay, I'm really going now xD See you with the weekly update (that I'm deeply considering discontinuing...hell, I'm thinking of discontinuing this account. WHO EVEN CARES WHAT HAPPENS IN MY NONEXISTENT LIFE?! I only started this on a whim YEARS ago anyways)
- Current Location:who cares? :D
- Current Mood: energetic
- Current Music:I'm a Nut - Leroy Pullins
Ready, set, GO!
(lawl, rainbow week)
Monday: Something happened I'm sure...just wasn't significant enough to remember...
Tuesday: Transcription. 'Nuff said.
Wednesday: I got lazy and only cleaned the house and then played video games.
Thursday: So much transcription, I ended up making strange noises and tried to eat the keyboard (srsly). Then stayed up mega late with dad, watching old Looney Tunes and laughing our asses off. It was epic. "Soylent green is PEOPLE!!!! D:>"
Friday (today): Holy schnapps, y'all. It's Friday the 13th. And don't I know it. Woke up with a headcold (I blame the transcription yesterday...) and then forgot to eat before I came to the office, there's not even candy here to give me a sugar rush, so I'm going to burn out hardcore (and there's still so much to do tonight and this weekend!)
Best part about today would have to be that I got cornered by a bunch of tourists wanting to ask me questions, so I panicked, pointed behind them and screamed "TANK!". One kid laughed (he clearly got the joke), but everyone else looked so I made good my escape. Who knew that video games would save my life one day?
This is going to be a mega busy weekend. I have work today, then tonight I have to price everything that I'm going to put in the garage sale we're having tomorrow (money for me moving and all that), then Sunday I have to clean my fish's tank and do more transcription *headdesk* I'm starting to see the perks of having no life....
In a Cracktastic World....something out of the normal/expected would happen!
Song of the Week: Skid Row (Downtown) from Little Shop of Horrors (....again xD)
Key Line(s): "Poor, all my life I've always been poor, I keep asking God what I'm for, and he tells me 'gee I'm not sure....sweep that floor, kid!'"
Advice of the Week: You may be addicted to L4D if, every time you go to take some sort of medication (even just an antacid) you claim that you're "grabbin' peelz"
Have a great weekend, you special, special people!
TANK! *points and runs*
- Current Location:work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work
- Current Mood: busy
- Current Music:Rainbow in My Shoes (which is a song I made up xD)
I finished High school despite being painfully ill and spending nearly all of the last five months of senior year in the hospital *flexes* Hwah!
- Current Mood: blah
- Current Music:Sharp Dressed Man - ZZ Top (epic beards ftw)
....and then I suddenly realize that I'm insulting myself with that 'young child' crap and I ignore it. >>
Anyways, I had the first and only person from fanfiction to send me a message, expressing their sadness over my leaving and their promise to follow if I ever pick ff stories back up (in which I'll be at Adultfanfiction). It just made me feel good to hear from someone who actually cares about my work. Not to mention, as they all seem to be, a bit of a spaz, but interesting enough of a person to carry a conversation. And doesn't use gratuitous amounts of chatspeak. (that's rare on the internet these days...especially with them younger crowds).
If anyone noticed my change in default icon, there was this inside joke about some rp characters and I ended up with a short comic drawn starring me xD; it's weird seeing myself as a cartoon, but for some reason at the same time it makes me giggle like a dork. So I've got a series of icons with 'me expressions' from it.
Lesson learned: Don't try to reuse original characters in an rp they weren't made for/with the character they weren't made for.....it leads to jealousy and physical harm....as well as internet death threats xD
I got nothing else to say. It's been pretty quiet as I make final preparations until I move away. Got a line up of family events which I know are going to drive me crazy (in a good way). I'll try to get some family photos to take with me. Oh! Also, when I move and get settled in, I'm reinstalling Skype and with my shiny new job, I'll be able to afford Live for my Xbox so I can talk to and play with my brother still :D We shook on it.
Also....it's impossible to give up playing L4D with my brother. It's too addicting just as a game, and then when you combine it with our commentary and how strange glitches follow us around, it's a right good time.
So, in closing, have an oxymoron: Happy Monday.
- Current Mood: drained
Monday: I don't really remember what happened on monday. Let's move on.
Tuesday: I did something....right, I played Left 4 Dead to take my mind off the fact that I'm moving in five weeks and I'm totally stressed out about it.
Wednesday: I asked my brother to borrow Left 4 Dead 2 from one of his friends so we could play and I could get better at it (luv Nick and Ellis. Nick is sarcastic as hell and Ellis is just adorable. And southern. Y'ALL HAIL THEM SUTHERNERS NOW, Y'HEAR? *has southern family*)
Thursday: Played more Left 4 Dead, got two more achievements, then talked my brother into playing L4D2 with me again. We clicked random chars and ELLIS PICKED ME, YAY! Then stayed up even later to watch some Supernatural with my bro...who, sweetest thing that he is, admitted sadly that he was going to miss me when I left. A lot, a lot.
It actually makes my heart ache and warm at the same time when I think about how he said he took the old pink and white blanket from the closet to put on his bed because it was mine and it makes him think of me.
Friday (today): Woke up a bit late but was the better for it since mom called and said that she had some shuttle transfers to do (that's her third job) so she was getting off early from the office and we'd clean tomorrow. Thus why this weekly update is coming to you from what's left of my bedroom. YAY....?
In a Crack-tastic world......my original rp characters would rise up in rebellion against their abusive creator!
Song of the Week: Song Sung Blue by Neil Diamond (my dad used to play and sing it to me all the time when I was little)
Key Line: "The funny thing, is that you can sing it with a cry in your voice, and before you know, you start to feeling good, you simply got no choice"
Advice of the Week: It may not be WISE to play Left 4 Dead while ignoring the in-game sounds and blasting techno through your headphones (as this obviously puts you at a disadvantage with special infected and incoming hordes).....but DAMN it sure is fun.
NOTE: I picked the picture I did for this post because I like both characters from Left4Dead 2, and when me and my brother pick random, it almost always pairs him with Nick and me with Ellis. So we're bros 4 evah.
- Current Location:home
- Current Mood: sad
- Current Music:Cinderella Under the Umbrella - Rhianna ft. Chris Brown (because bro and I duet)
I couldn't take it, so I packed up my backpack, grabbed my pillow and walked home. Yes it was a long ass walk and it took even longer because I had to keep taking breaks to throw up in the ditch. Thankfully, my brother wanted to go home just as bad (he burned his hand when a log fell out of the fire and nearly set US on fire) so I wasn't alone. He kept me company, but I still feel really embarrassed that he had to see me at my worst like that.
But now we're home and I took my medicine and I'm numb to the pain (hooray!) and I got....some disjointed sleep. Hate our couch. Anyways, my brother and I were invited to go to a movie night at a friend's house tonight, so that will be our substitute for missing out on camping (we may go back and stay the rest of the night tonight, might not, we'll see).
I hope everyone is having a better weekend than that! :D much loves and hugs!
- Current Location:home
- Current Mood: sick
- Current Music:none
I've noticed that my weekly updates are waaaay too long winded and since LJ cut doesn't always like me, I'm going to attempt to sum up my week in a paragraph or less! Enjoy!
Monday: sick, hung out with family. Tuesday: wrote an LJ post, so refer to that. Wednesday: worked fingers to the bone on transcription (three case studies *dies*). Thursday: cleaned, packed for camping trip this weekend. Friday (today): Here at work waiting to get started and listening to the radio, eating candy, and excited about the camping trip we're going on this weekend....which I'm sure is a final family thing since I'm moving.
In a Crack-tastic World.... Yazoo the tea-house bunny would date Squall and laugh at his name. (actual rp I've played in the past)
Song of the Week: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life by Monty Python
Key Line: "If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten, and that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing"
Advice of the Week: It's perfectly alright to fangirl over something...even if you're a guy.
FYI.....I made the icon for this entry!
- Current Location:work...we should all be so happy to be here
- Current Mood: hyper
- Current Music:Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo - Bloodhound Gang
There are two instances that I can't quite choose between that made me have a 'that's my family' moment.
The first would be when I found a little container of that putty stuff that makes squishy flabby noises when you poke it, and the whole family gathered in the livingroom and passed it around, poking it and laughing until they cried for hours on end. I'd have to say that was a really BIG "that's my family moment".
The second would have to be once when we were camping and my dad, brother and I were still awake and sitting around the fire. My dad turns to my brother and says "get wood, son." My brother replied, "I can't when I'm being watched," and then we all laughed.
- Current Mood: tired
I think my real problem is the fact that it's almost August. I'm almost finished with all my case studies (only three more to go!) and then I have only that month left to spend with family before I move. I'm a major homebody, I have very few friends, and even less of those do I see face to face (that would be my innate shyness >>) so my family is all I got. And I'm leaving them to live on my own. *nervous laugh* I know I can do it. If I survived highschool, I can do anything. I'm just stressed about it is all. Being sick doesn't help (when does it ever, though? xD).
I look around my room and see all these boxes that everything I'm not taking with me are packed away in and the bare walls and just...get depressed...
Part of that depression I'm going to blame on my fish, Tibalt. I hope he lasts until Christmas, but I'm not holding out hope. For anyone who's curious, he's a betta fish (siamese fighting fish to some). I got him a year ago (he was probably about 8-10 months old) and wow he grew up big (and fat for a small amount of time there) but now it's clear that he's not going to make it another year. It's so stupid, but that fish has brought me so much joy just by being....a fish. Wiggling around the tank, eating his food, getting excited when I come into the room, responding to my voice, dancing to my music (he likes Village People....freakishly a lot).
On the topic of pets, I'm going to miss the cat A LOT. Wow. He's like that annoying little brother you hate and want to kick across the room some days, but you don't because he's just so cute and after making you angry, he does something so sweet it makes your heart melt. He was the only one I could talk to for a while there, and whenever I locked myself in my room and had embarrassing emotional breakdowns, he'd wait at the door until I opened it and then he'd cuddle with me. Such a sweetheart....who, yeah, still pisses me off daily xD It's our way of loving each other....making the other angry.
I guess I feel better sloughing off all that excess 'boo-hoo'.
On a quick side-note: I found another verse in a song that makes my entire family point at me and say "that's so you."
"See the shape but can't see through,
No one can ever hate me as well as I do
Know when to throw a laugh
Know how to force a smile,
Whatever the intention--I'm such a friendly lie!"
EDIT: to make myself feel better, here's a crappy doodle of chibi Dante lovin' him some strawberry sundae
- Current Location:on the floor
- Current Mood: nervous
- Current Music:Hades 'Pluton' - Sopor Aeternus